don’t look

// abuse, violence, gaslighting, murder, bad end

uhh, hey roomie, listen, don’t get mad, but i’m unfortunately gonna have 2 leave u a bit of a mess 2 clean up in the entire downstairs of the whole house. i’d help but i kinda am the mess? really really sorry.

i kno ur prolly freaking out, listen, the most important thing here is to make sure that ur not culpable of course. ur not responsible for what happened to me, u just didn’t see, couldn’t have known. don’t worry, don’t worry, ur hands are totally clean. no one is gonna doubt how good and honest u are.

besides it’s not like it was obvious this was gonna happen, it all started out innocently enough right? when he started hanging around me and we started flirting he had seemed nice 2 u, and he was queer and part of ur scene so he was prolly chill right? lotsa other peeps knew him, no one coulda seen this coming, it’s not ur fault, u just didn’t see it.

and yeah if u had seen something, i know that of course u would have done something; any reasonable person would have, right?? u just didn’t see. u didn’t notice what he was doing 2 me so u didn’t do anything wrong by failing 2 address it, none of this is ur fault.

sure, sure, u prolly could have seen if u had looked, but that woulda been super bad for u right? and it’s not like anyone else was looking either so why should u? making it ur problem was just unhealthy, i get you, i get you.

anyways its my fault really. i’m an adult after all, i was the one who started dating him, who helped him make friends, who invited him to live with us. i shoulda been able to handle this myself, i shouldn’ta needed ur help anyway.

i wasn’t expecting u to look, i didn’t think there was a problem, if i had i wouldn’t have started dating him, like duh yeah of course, nobody saw this coming, it’s important to keep telling urself that or ur gonna start obsessing over all the times u saw him yelling at me or hitting me that u didn’t say anything about.

and honestly i should prolly apologize for that too like, u didn’t consent to seeing that, u didn’t consent to living with an abuser and it was my fault u were. i was the one violating ur consent by bringing him into ur home.

i should also apologize for violating ur consent all those times i had panic attacks and started screaming or crying or trying to hurt myself, or the time i threw up on the floor and was too psychotic to deal with it so u had to clean it up, that was really toxic of me and it definitely wasn’t like, ur responsibility to notice i was getting abused and trying to call for help.

i shoulda like, been smarter and just seen that he was bad to begin with u know? that was on me, i just couldn’t stay away from a bad boy, u kno i’m not a great judge of character, lol. 

i really loved him tho like, he was so magical, he had me spellbound despite everything he was doing to me. someone woulda really had to work to break his grip on me, and that wasn’t in any way ur responsibility. i shoulda known something was wrong sooner, like when everyone started getting scared of me cause i was so unstable and i ended up almost totally isolated with just him, that shoulda been the clue right? 

i didn’t want any of this to happen ofc, i tried to protect myself, to stand up to him and fight back, it’s just that i did it in ways that were toxic and upsetting 2 u, so the fact i was being bad was rly the most important thing, it affected u after all! and u didn’t do anything to deserve this! ur a good person! it was rly shitty of me to scream and cry like that when he hurt me, that was definitely triggering and violated ur consent.

i shoulda just been stronger and fought back more, just never fell in love with him and got into this mess in the first place, shoulda been better at getting myself out of it on my own too, and i shoulda been better prepared to protect myself. i did finally fight back at the end there, sry ur plates ended up broken in the process, i know u rly liked those.

i know ur prolly like, having a panic attack rite now, and like, just take a breath, it’s okay, everything’s chill now, he already ran off and the cops are already on the way. u did the rite thing, just breathe, okay? don’t worry about me, no one’s gonna blame u for what happened 2 me.

instead uh maybe you should worry about the broken bookshelves or how my blood is gonna stain ur carpets? that might help u calm down. really sry about all this damage, i didn’t have much control over what he was throwing my lifeless body against after the first four or five minutes. he may have been using one of ur encyclopedias when he caved in my skull? i was dying so it was hard to tell. 

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